Do you consider me too old to be cool?

Doesn’t matter, since you are not paying attention to me because you consider me too old to be cool. Get it?



There is no doubt that, in modern media (television, radio, film), there is a major influencing demographic: The young. Sadly, it’s not because they are more profound, clever, or forward-thinking. And It’s not even because they have more discretionary dollars to spend, as advertisers would have you believe.

No, it’s basically because they are frightened and needy. Young people are totally freaked-out about being different or shunned; desperately wantIng to “fit in.” And to do so, they must be totally up on the latest worthless entertainment that happens to be catering to those Youthful discretionary dollars. I mean, someone is watching The Real Wives Of (pick your favorite city), and it’s not my friends…

You see, it pays to be old. When you hit a certain age, you are simply no longer considered “relevant,” so the hub of society generally ignores you. I’m good with that. Now I get to do whatever I please, and don’t have to conform with what the media says I should be doing, like going to the hippest clubs, listening to the coolest music, or getting LifeAlert to save me when I fall down. Unburdened by having to be what my peers think I should be doing, I’m finally free.

So, now I write blog posts that no one cares about, because my blog isn’t hip, record silly audios that are only funny to people who remember Monty Python, and draw a comic-strip that will, most likely, only be enjoyed by someone who still thinks there’s value in Charles Schulz’s Peanuts. If you don’t think it’s cool – that’s okay, I know about three people who do, and that will suffice.

Being considered “out of the loop” is actually a godsend. When I did try to follow the latest trend, I still wasn’t making inroads. I was old, and none of that illustrious target demographic was going to look at it, anyway. As far as they were concerned, I was a strange old guy who, most likely, watched Grey’s Anatomy, the bane of all people under 25 (why do old people WATCH that?). Sadly, they are too young to realize that all the stuff they are watching is the exact same thing: the current week’s emergency, with a side dish of “who’s sleeping with whom.” Let me explain something to you, young person: Any time your main characters are seen in a car, there will be an accident. You’re just too young to have watched enough television to figure it out, yet. Once you are old enough, you understand that there’s no way they are going to set up a car shot with projection or digital effects unless SOMETHING is going to happen – It’s just not cost effective in weekly television.

So, here I am, too young for a walker, and too old to be cool. Oh darn. Cry me a river. I’ll go drown myself in, oh let me see, anything that I want, because you are not even looking at me, anymore. Frankly, simply due to the fact that I’ve been around longer than you, I can even do more than you: I can drink you under the table, whip your butt at poker, and, in fact, avoid all of the pitfalls that you are about to stumble into.

And I’m better than you in the sack.

Was that an overshare? Doesn’t matter. I’m totally irrelevant…

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